


A Shiganshina Wake

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Levi sorts through some shit, Please Kill Me, angst and feelings, hey favorite characters please stop dying, i'm sad and i'm taking you all down with me, it's about as much of a happy ending as you'd expect for this fandom, spoilers for the return to shiganshina arc, with something vaguely resembling a happy ending? almost?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-19 23:44:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11324181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After the events of the battle to retake Shiganshina, Levi must deal with the decision he made.





	A Shiganshina Wake

There was no fanfare or ceremony at the funeral of Erwin Smith.

 

When the dust settled and the soldiers finally made their way back to relative safety, they had laid him down in one of the abandoned houses and covered him with his cloak. It would have been kind to say he looked peaceful, but he did not. There was no time to clean him, or bury him, or do anything but place some flowers at his feet and say a quick goodbye. 

 

Externally, Levi was collected and quiet as always. Not once during the entirety of the mission had he succumbed to fear. Instead, he had been rational and level headed. Even when they made ‘camp’ in one of the buildings nearby, he still appeared to be calm. He had done everything right, made every decision and carried it out efficiently and with his usual speed. And it still hadn’t been enough.

 

But when had it ever been enough? There had always been casualties. There would always _be_  casualties. He didn’t believe in miracles, but if he did, he’d know that his own survival up to this point would be one. He had known that from the moment he took command- that he would be leading these people into their graves. All of that was fine. The men and women under his leadership understood this, and it was because of that understanding that they were so strong. They fought because they knew that they were going to die- so they might as well die fighting with everything they had.

 

So why did Erwin’s death feel like such a waste?

 

“Commander Levi?”

 

The door creaked open just enough to catch a glimpse of Armin Arlert. He briefly considered dismissing him, but usually the kid only came directly to him if he had something important to say. He waved him in, and he hesitantly took a seat across from him at the wide table. 

“What do you want? I have a headache.”

 

“I, uh, wanted to ask you something, sir. If you don’t mind, that is, I mean, I don’t want to intrude.”

 

“What is it.” It was less of a question, and more of a statement. “Spit it out."

 

“Why did you save me? I know Eren said… well, he… what I mean to say is… I don’t know. I wanted to apologize. For putting you in that position, and for making you choose me over your friend.”

 

“It’s not like you’re the one that killed him.”

 

“I may as well have.”

 

Levi could see the energy drain out of him. The true responsibility he had been given hadn’t really settled on him yet, but it was beginning to. It had been less than 24 hours since Armin had eaten Bertholdt, and he had already begun shrinking inward, trying to ignore everything that had just happened. 

 

“I already told everyone- Erwin needed some rest. He deserved some rest after everything this world’s done to him. When I really think about it, he probably would have wanted to stay dead even if you hadn’t gotten boiled alive.”

 

“But he could have done so much for humanity- I’m not like him. I’m nothing compared to him! Everyone thinks so! He was a military strategist, and I'm a teenager! We all know that you should have just _let me die!_ ”

 

The second the words left his mouth, it was clear Armin knew he had made a serious mistake. Tears were flowing freely now, and his nose was running. He just stood there, looking shellshocked and desperate. After a few seconds of fearful silence, he sat back down, unable to look his commanding officer in the eye. 

 

“I- I’m sorry, sir. I never should have… I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

 

He finally looked up, and Levi knew he was expecting to see anger, sadness, any emotion on his face. He thought that he’d be punished for his rudeness, or asked to leave, or /something/. But all Levi could do was stare back. Normally, he would have been furious that one of his soldiers had confronted him like that. Now he truly felt as apathetic as he looked.

 

“You’re right. By all accounts, I should have let you die. But I didn’t. I saved your life because even though you are weak and nothing like Erwin Smith, you can still provide for humanity.”

 

“How? What am I supposed to do?”

 

“How the hell should I know? Come up with something. Use that brain you have sitting around in your head. If that idiot friend of yours can be of use, you can too. Now get out.”

 

Sensing that Levi wanted to be alone with his thoughts, Armin quietly stood and apologized once more before excusing himself.  The thick wooden doors muffled the sound of their voices as they talked. Early on in his military career, he always made sure to listen to what his comrades were talking about. The things they liked, the people they loved, their favorite foods- superficial things to pass the time. Even if he wasn’t friendly, he still considered them his friends. And one by one, he watched them die. Sometimes ten by ten, twenty by twenty, more and more corpses to take home to mom and dad. He stopped listening to their conversations- what was the point? Knowing someone’s favorite color wouldn’t stop them from getting eaten. 

 

Death had been such a part of life that he thought it didn’t really faze him anymore. Sure, it made him sad to have lost colleagues and team members, and of course he felt very strongly about defending humanity- but if he let himself get torn up about every single death he’d be catatonic. No one could live like that. He tried not to think about it often, but bottling it up just meant having to deal with it later. Some nights he’d be lying in bed and he could feel it, just on the verge of crashing down on him. It was those nights that he’d wander around, trying to think, and stumble upon Erwin doing the same. They never really sat down to talk on purpose. It just happened- but when it happened, they both realized how much they needed it. And that was the most frustrating thing- he needed him now. 

 

The thought occurred to him that he could go see him- he was only a few houses away. It was late- it wouldn’t be bothering anyone. It wasn’t like anyone could stop him. The more he thought about it, the better it sounded. They were leaving in the morning, and he knew he wouldn’t be up early enough to go before everyone woke up. It took him a few minutes to get dressed again and grab his rucksack, but no one noticed when he climbed out the window, up onto the roof, and started walking.

 

 

____________________________________

 

 

It was pitch black inside the small house, but Levi barely needed the lantern. He knew exactly where to go without having to think about it. How could he not remember every detail of the grave of his best friend? The one person on earth he actually loved? Years would pass and eventually humankind would venture back into this place, and there would be nothing left to mark that this was the resting place of a hero. It was just an ordinary house, with cracked walls and a crumbled roof. But the bed was completely intact, and it was relatively clean. It was the best place they could have found for him. 

 

When he turned the corner into that small bedroom where his body lay he could almost trick himself into thinking that he was just asleep. Erwin, never the early riser, often slept tangled up in his sheets, tossing and turning all night. The first time he’d tried to wake him up for an early breakfast with the team he was worried the man might suffocate. After he lost his arm, everyone assumed he wouldn’t be able to get himself so wrapped up like that, but nevertheless he managed to do it anyway. He didn’t think Erwin’s body knew it was disabled. 

 

He let himself be distracted by these memories for a little while, until he noticed the lantern light, embellished with the glowing stone from the caves under the Reiss’ land, pass over that bloodstained cloak and the illusion of sleep was shattered. 

 

Levi, wanting to get it over with, walked over and peeled the cloak back from Erwin’s face. He was pale and cold to the touch, like every other corpse he’d come across. An empty shell where a person used to be. But he didn’t often get the chance to say goodbye, or give himself anything resembling closure. Most of the time they had to leave the dead behind. Levi was not about to give up this chance- especially with someone so important. It felt silly to talk to him out loud, but he knew that just thinking it wouldn’t feel real. He had to show Erwin what it had all been for.

 

“I know you’re busy in hell like you said you’d be, but I had to bother you again. Sorry."

 

He paused for a minute, as if there was actually going to be a response. He realized how idiotic that was and continued. 

 

“Anyway, we made it to the basement. It was pretty mundane, actually. Apparently, what Dr. Jeager had hidden away was a couple of journals. You should have seen Hange. We couldn’t get her to shut up. She’s already finished copying the first one into her field notes. It’s a miracle I was able to sneak these off her desk while she got distracted listening to Eren.”

 

He stopped to rummage through his bag, and carefully withdrew the three books. He fiddled with the lantern so he could read. It felt like he was about to read some kind of morbid bedtime story. He skimmed through, telling the history of the titans and of their little world to what little remained of Erwin Smith. He wanted to read every single word, over and over, just so he could say he had done it- he had given him what he wanted. He was free of that guilt, at least. 

 

“Here they are. This is it. This is what we spent all those years going after. These three little books are what you died for. Was it worth it?”

 

He sighed. _Look at me. Talking to an empty room_. It didn’t make sense to pretend he was listening. He had never had the luxury of believing in life after death. If there were such a thing as ghosts, they’d never made themselves known to him. And even if they did- why would they want to stay on earth? There was nothing for them there but carnage and fear, and no one deserved that. Still, on the off chance that Erwin _was_  listening, he had to say what he had come here to say.

 

“You know, we always knew someday you were going to die. We’d joke about who’d go first, but I always knew it would be you. You just had to be the hero, didn’t you? The martyr.”

 

Against his will he felt his chest begin to tighten. His voice broke a little, and he had to stop for a moment. He’d never really cried before. He just hadn’t had the time. Suddenly it was overwhelming him- he could see them, every soldier he’d ever lost. He didn’t know what was worse- knowing they died or knowing that he had barely let himself grieve for them.  

 

“You idiot. After everything I never let it get to me. Not once, and here I am. I used to hate you, remember? I would have given anything to be the one to kill you! I never wanted to be a soldier. _You_  made me a soldier. And here we are. I wanted to bring you back. I was _supposed_  to bring you back. Maybe that makes me an asshole for picking you over the kid- no, it definitely makes me an asshole. Why should I care? I don’t need people to like me. But they liked you, Erwin.”

 

He took a deep breath. He wasn’t crying anymore, but the pain in his chest refused to disappear. For a while he just stood in the center of the room, looking anywhere but at that damn bed. 

 

“I don’t know what else to say. Apologizing is meaningless. You’re long gone. But if it makes you feel better, I am sorry."

 

He was about to leave, when he realized he had wanted to do one last thing. As carefully as possible, he removed Erwin’s jacket. He took his own jacket off, folded it, and placed it underneath his head. The bloody garment was in almost perfect condition. The rips and tears could be repaired rather easily, and with a thorough wash it would look good as new. He knew he could never bring himself to wear it, but he would keep it safe, and maybe someday he’d forgive himself for letting it’s owner die.

 

But for now, he wrapped it around his shoulders, conscious of how little warmth it gave him. It was nearly four sizes too big for him. He shuddered at the feeling of the still-damp blood that stuck to his skin, but if there was any time to ignore his clean-freak tendencies, it was now. He would just have to deal with it for a few minutes. He turned off the lantern. He didn’t want his last look at Erwin Smith to be of that image of death. He stood in the doorway for a few moments, looking at the shadow of his friend, and he could just make out the profile of his nose, the part in his hair, the line of his jaw. 

 

“Goodbye, Erwin."

 

_______________________

  

He slipped back into their camp a few hours before sunrise. Hange had fallen asleep at her desk, where she had been scribbling furiously in her notebook for hours. Levi gingerly placed the three journals back on the desk. The others were all asleep as well- the heavy, dreamless sleep that follows battle. Lying there, they looked like corpses too. He retreated back into his room, exhausted and afraid that if he looked at them any longer he'd see them turn grey and cold like the rest of his friends.

That night, Levi dreamed of Erwin- and for the first time since Levi had met him, he looked at peace.

 

 

 


End file.
